"Confession: I don't think I can do it" (meandering thoughts on doubt, fear, not enough-ness, and the creative process)

This week someone commented on a process reel I had posted saying, “love your fearless technique.” I had to laugh. Because of course there is fear! Doubts, questions, struggle...

Am I good enough? Do I have any talent for this thing at all? Do I even like what I’m making?

These are questions that circulate around my brain quite frequently. 

In our culture, and especially online, we so often only see the perfectly curated versions of people. Their best angles, the most flattering lighting, the flawless outfit. With art it can be the same. We see the finished painting posted, marked as “sold”, and think “wow, that’s so amazing!” 

But far less often do we see the raw reality. The messy middle of making art. The blank canvas that taunts you. The doubts inside any creative person’s mind that crop up all too often saying “you really have no idea what you’re doing…” (you don’t even have to call yourself a “creative” to relate to this thought).

I don’t have any formula for combatting this experience of dealing with doubt, fear, or the creative struggle. All I know is that it IS part of the process. We ebb and flow - with energy, ideas, inspiration, focus - all of it. And that’s okay. 

What I remind myself with my art when I’m feeling low or doubting whether “I’m good enough” is how lifted up I am by other people’s creativity. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Or curated. Or professional. I’m just happy it exists. That someone was brave enough to share it. To make it in the first place. 

And yet. I’m always thinking this: I want my art to be amazing. 

Not for glory, or prestige, but for me to hang it on the wall and go, “I LOVE this” - the way I look at other people’s art. 

Lately, I’ve found myself looking around at what other people are making far too often. Yes, it’s great to gather inspiration. From museums I’ve visited, to favorite artists I follow on Instagram, to my Pinterest “Paintings” board, I am always gathering inspiration and ideas. I love that artist’s brushstrokes, or how they use color, or that scribbly thing they do. But all of this is looking outward. Instead, maybe I need to look inward. 

This week I was trying to find something to listen to on Spotify and instead of searching for a new artist or album, I decided to play music from my Liked songs. It is funny how we are always looking for the next shiny new thing. But often the best thing is right in front of us. The older songs I had saved were exactly what I wanted to listen to. And there are ones I’ve completely forgotten about. (Rodrigo & Gabriella for example. I was a huge fan back when they were new.) 

It’s so easy to forget that we already know something. Or that the best thing is what we already have.* 

And yet. There is a tension here. I want my art to improve. I want to gain more technical skills. I want to fully express the deepest, truest part of myself. I want to love what I make. But I also know that in order for this to happen I have to stop looking around at what others are doing, and trust myself. Trust my past experience. Trust the work. Trust the process.

(One thought: maybe the reason that I’m experiencing a higher than average flow of doubt at the moment is because I have been commissioned for two large paintings for a local business? Plus I have two more commissions that I’m chatting with someone about. Isn’t it fascinating how fear rears its ugly head in the midst of exciting opportunities? Someone else sees something in you and your work and the floodgates of “not good enoughness” break open…)

So many people have written about the struggle of the creative process before. I particularly love Andrew Peterson, a Christian singer-songwriter and author, who wrote about the Mystery of Making in his book titled “Adorning the Dark”. He captures the tension perfectly here: 

“I have everything I need. Everything but the songs. 

A confession: I don’t think I can do it.

I’ve done the very best I can do already, and I’m afraid that God will remove the Spirit from me, that whatever that thing is that makes the songs work, the mystical gas in the engine will be cut off, this thing will slow to a trickle and die, and I’ll put out an album that people hate… I’ve sat at the pinao for hours already, looking for lyrics and melodies, but everything sounds the same and I feel as uninspired as ever. Does it mean I’m finished? …But the truth is, I’ve been here before. Many times. We all have. So how do we find the faith to press on? 

Remember. Remember Hebrew children, who you once were in Egypt. Remember the altars set up along the way to remind yourselves that you made the journey…Once you were there, but now you are here. Remember… Trust is crucial. So is self-forgetfulness and risk and a measure of audacity.”

So I will forge ahead - with trust, risk, and audacity - and the courage to look within. I hope you will too.

*Maybe what you already have is a small creative practice. Keep going. It will grow.

Maybe you're searching for an idea for a new body of work. Flip through an old sketchbook to find the inspiration.

Maybe you feel like you're stuck in a rut emotionally. Read through an old journal to see how much progress you’ve actually made.

Maybe you feel like you don't have time/energy/health to make anything at all. Are you raising a family? Taking care of your health needs? Sleeping enough? This too, is all part of the journey and it is enough.